I feel like abortions should bother me more
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
