im having a threesome with these popsicles
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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