You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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