He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
