Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm passing your future prison.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
