she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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