so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
