why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
