new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize