No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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