i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
