first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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