Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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