Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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