Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
In America we eat man semen.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
