Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
tell me about the fingering
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