We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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