Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
