I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
we made out on top of his cat.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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