I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
