We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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