Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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