This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize