Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
