I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
