I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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