you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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