What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
