One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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