ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
