I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
