well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
birth control should be required to get into college
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
