I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
