sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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