i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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