I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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