I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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