Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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