Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
How's work?
Spinning.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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