Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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