Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
