Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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