dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
