mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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