somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
