my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
