ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
