The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize