my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
