If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
