I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
this hospital has no fireball
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
