Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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