I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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