I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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