I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize