I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
