I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I came so hard my ears popped.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
