You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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