Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
