You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
