I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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