It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
