There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
we're making bets on your personal life
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize