im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
