I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
