I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Randomize
