The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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