The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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