Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
And then my night got REAL pukey
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
