I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
