Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
