I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
