quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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