Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
